I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
