we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
