Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
