Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
