Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
