i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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