it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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