haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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