I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
