I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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