Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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