right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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