Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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