Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
