the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
