Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
