Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
