broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
