i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
