Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize