I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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