i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
