then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
