I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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