Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
