I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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