in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
