dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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