i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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