my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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