she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
