either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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