your room smells of hookers.
And success
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
