wrigley field is MILF paradise
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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