The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
accomplished twins. life is a go
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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