So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Drunk is not a location!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
