you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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