So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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