smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
