All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
