Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
