god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
