He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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