His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
