Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
