his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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