I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
