No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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