i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
