I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
