White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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