The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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