I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
