my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
