You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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