i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
