I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
