No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
