You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
