Umm I'm too high to move.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
