I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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