My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
