Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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