I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The struggles of a small town man whore
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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