Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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