Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize