Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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