I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize