covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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