Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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