They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
