Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
